Why more women over 40 are choosing to 'quiet divorce'

There is a phase many women in long marriages never talk about—the shift from fighting for the relationship to quietly stepping out of it; emotionally first, physically later. It’s not dramatic. No midnight suitcase packing, no slammed doors, no final showdown. Instead, it is a slow unthreading, a private retreat, a long-held breath finally released.

Across the world, more women, especially over 40, are embracing what’s now being called the “quiet divorce”—a silent checking-out of marriages that have drained them for years. These women are not necessarily signing legal papers or posting life updates. They are simply done. And for once, they are putting that decision above everything society has taught them to endure.

The quiet divorce is born from lives lived in service—service of families, service of partners, service of expectations. And not to forget the invisible emotional labour. Many of these women have spent years being the glue, the organiser, the caretaker, the solver. They have been told stability is more important than happiness, that marriage is a badge of honour, that their sacrifices make them “good women.” But as they enter their 40s—often the most clarifying decade—something shifts. After years of carrying the mental load and emotional responsibility, the burnout is no longer something they can push past. What begins as exhaustion turns into a quiet re-evaluation: "What would my life look like if I chose myself?"

What a quiet divorce really means

Quiet divorcing isn’t about sneaking away; it’s about withdrawing emotionally long before any legal process is considered. It is the internal separation that happens when a woman no longer has the energy to negotiate, manage, or save the relationship. She disengages. Conversations flatten. Effort thins out. She stops participating in the emotional upkeep of the marriage. Sometimes, the couple continues to live together, almost like polite roommates. Sometimes, they drift into parallel lives under the same roof. And in many cases, no one outside the home even notices.

"Women in their 40s often reach a point of emotional and physical saturation," says Ruchi Ruuh, relationship counsellor. "After years of carrying the mental and emotional load, fulfilling family expectations and putting their own needs on hold, many women realise they’re running empty. By this age, they have usually tried every possibility to make things work. A quiet divorce isn’t an impulsive decision but the final stage of long-term burnout."

It is not cowardice. It is not avoidance. It is survival. For many, the thought of a formal divorce feels too heavy—financially, socially, or emotionally. Some want to wait until children are older; others don’t want the stigma that still shadows divorced women, especially in cultures where marriage is considered a lifelong badge. Quiet divorcing becomes the bridge between what they cannot leave and what they can no longer stay in.

Ruuh adds that there is a rise in such cases because women no longer want to settle for less emotionally. "They are no longer willing to accept loneliness inside a marriage. Perimenopause can heighten emotional clarity and reduce tolerance for dysfunction," she explains.

Why it’s becoming a midlife phenomenon

Women in their 40s are at a crossroads: ageing parents, adolescent children, work responsibilities, and shifting hormones collide with decades of accumulated emotional depletion. This is the age when many finally recognise the cost of prioritising everyone but themselves. They have lived long enough in their marriages to identify patterns that won’t change, partners who won’t evolve, and cycles that endlessly repeat.

Add to this a cultural shift—women today are more emotionally literate, more financially aware, and more self-protective than previous generations. They are asking different questions: "Am I fulfilled?"  "Am I respected?" "Is this partnership nourishing or draining me?" And increasingly, the answer is leading them not to dramatic exits, but to silent boundaries.

Clinical psychologist Mehezabin Dordi says that withdrawing from a marriage is a part of women wanting to protect their mental health. "It creates a buffer against chronic disappointment or emotional exhaustion. In that sense, it can temporarily help them feel more stable and less overwhelmed," she shares.

However, she also explains that a quiet divorce might not be the ultimate solution to the problems. "In the long term, a 'quiet divorce' rarely resolves the underlying issues. It may prevent conflict, but it also prevents clarity. There is no real communication, no opportunity for repair, no shared understanding of what went wrong. The partner is often blindsided, and the woman may carry unspoken resentment or emotional fatigue that never quite gets processed."

Impact on family

While the quiet divorce might be a liberation for the women, it does have its impact on the family at large, especially the children. "In many families, the woman remains the central anchor. So when she starts to step back, the shift is felt instantly. Children feel it. Partners feel it," says Deepti Chandy, therapist & COO, Anna Chandy & Associates.

She, however, adds that a quiet divorce, though liberating, is also the toughest for most women. "The internal consequence is often the most damaging.  Suppressing needs over extended periods can lead someone to believe those needs are invalid. They stop voicing themselves, and slowly, they disappear within their own lives. While withdrawal may provide short-term relief from conflict, it often costs self-expression and long-term emotional well-being."

Why a quiet divorce instead of resolving or filing?

Because not every relationship can be resolved, and not every woman has the freedom to walk away on paper. Many middle-aged women choose a quiet divorce because it offers control without confrontation. It allows them to reclaim space without dismantling the entire structure of their lives. Some hope the silence becomes a mirror for their partners. Others simply want peace, not paperwork.

It’s also, strangely, a form of self-preservation. After years of carrying the emotional weight of the marriage, these women no longer have the bandwidth for counselling sessions or relationship repair. They have crossed the threshold where change feels possible. What remains is acceptance, and a private reclaiming of the self.

The quiet divorce is not a trend; it is a symptom of burnout, of emotional imbalance, of years of being unseen. And for the women choosing it, silence is not weakness. It is clarity. It is the knowledge that they don’t need to announce their departure to make it valid. They are choosing themselves quietly, but firmly, creating a life where peace takes priority over pretence. They may stay in the marriage on paper, but they no longer stay in the parts that diminish them. And for many women over 40, that is the bravest exit of all.

Lead image: Netflix

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