What is self-rejection and here’s how you should stop doing it

Be it the corporate world or the world of dating, no one likes being rejected. However, for whatever reasons, if one faces constant rejection, they go into self-sabotage mode and start self-rejection. In layman's terms, it’s when a person thinks and says, “I am not good enough”. Whether big or small, you start sending out the wrong message to yourself because you’re now only thinking about your flaws and failures. And this becomes a major problem as the person has now convinced themselves that they’re good for nothing and are going to protect themselves from rejection by not trying. Say goodbye to job interviews and a prospective date before it even begins, unless you are ready to give yourself a chance.

Two leading counsellors help us understand why it happens and how things can change with increased self-esteem. 

Ways in which you self-reject

Self-rejection is very common in the workplace. A relatable example would be a person constantly thinking about how their work compares to their colleagues'. Thus, they are constantly worrying that they’ll never be able to be up to the task. The person may also stay away from anyone who they think would reject them, in order to protect themselves from the possible rejection and pain. They trick themselves into believing that it’s them who would not want to mingle, talk, work, or get together with someone else.

Rooted in self-esteem

Self-rejection is much more than a confidence issue. It can stem from low self-esteem, previous bad experiences or poor insight and awareness about themselves. One could also have high self-esteem, but their past experiences might have changed them, making them hesitant to do something they once were comfortable with. This phenomenon also applies to career and life opportunities, where one sets themselves up for defeat. The person doesn’t put themselves in a situation for anyone else to reject them—a self-defense tactic. The consequences are missed opportunities and experiences. Eventually, the person becomes lonely and has unfulfilled desires that are never met or completed. There is a constant cycle with a mindset that nothing positive will ever happen. 

One step forward, two steps back

In the dating world, an individual self sabotages their chances of meeting potential romantic interests. This maybe because they feel they aren’t good enough. They avoid dating opportunities or reaching out, even though the other person shows interest. It may feel like you’re taking one step forward by being in the dating world or job market, but you are taking two steps back when you reject yourself for not being good enough. 

Ways you can stop self-rejection and change for the better

There are many factors that a person needs to work on to overcome self-rejection. Take time out to introspect and understand your patterns. Is it because of past experiences, low self-esteem or a fear of rejection? It is important to identify the cause. Once done, it’s time to work on yourself. You need to start by celebrating your achievements and focusing on positive qualities. Having this sense of affirmation is important. 

Our mind tells us the worst possible things and it is important you start challenging your negative thoughts. Reason your thoughts and try to understand the underlying reasons for the negative talk. Soon enough, with constant work on yourself, the negative will soon be replaced with the positive. Change comes from inner work; inner work comes from realisation; and realisation comes from therapy. So talk things out and seek professional help if the issue becomes crippling.

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai