A red flag checklist you should keep handy for your best friend's new partner

If you and your friend are tight, there’s every chance you’d be the first person to know when they’ve developed feelings for someone. The two of you would probably spend hours discussing every text exchange, every phone call, every first. You would have spoken at length about how your friend feels about and around this person. While it's only natural that your friend is head over heels for them and has rose-tinted glasses on, you should become their sounding board (like you always have been) and make them aware of any red flags that they have been ignoring. 

Is this person respectful and kind? 

It always starts with the basics. When you’re speaking to someone new, you can learn a lot about them by the way they conduct themselves through the meetings and conversation. In a healthy relationship, either of them must not cross a line and should respect each other's boundaries. You know that your friend is crushing on a major green flag when the person doesn’t sound too eager and desperate to always stay in touch and respects the fact that they’re busy and have a life outside of the romantic relationship. With respect being a two-way street in any relationship, your friend should be proud and appreciative of the person they’re falling for. And if that's not the case, it's a red flag as being with a partner who’s disrespectful, rude, and ill-mannered is toxic at many levels. 

They don’t just talk, but listen as well

It’s a major red flag if only one of them does the talking, texting, and calling. Another sign to look out for is if the conversations are about both of them and that not just focused on one person. One of the most positive indicators of your friend's partner is that they remember the little details of their conversation with your friend—however random or unimportant it may be. It shows they are truly listening. If your friend tells you that they’re always being cut off in the conversation or it feels like an interview when talking to them, it’s time to let them know they must seek better. 

Communication and consistency

Does this person, who your friend likes, talk about their day and what they are up to or simply ghosts them without any explanation? Everyone seeks assurance from their partner and it’s the very least the person your friend has fallen for can give. It’s another major green flag when they’re equally interested in making this work. If you see and know that their words and actions match, they do take the initiative to make plans to get to know your friend, there’s every reason for the two to be together. 

Being on the same page

While no two people can ever be the same, it’s important they believe in the same values and share similar beliefs and goals in life as it sets the base and foundation of a relationship. To know this, the couple needs to have deeper, more meaningful conversations. That said, agreeing to everything that the partner says and believes in, without having an opinion, is a red flag. While you know what your friend wants from their life and their next relationship, it’s important for them to get this clarity about the person they’re talking to. If your friend is in love with someone who is extremely supportive about the decisions and life choices they make, be rest assured that the relationship has a lot of potential. 

How to tell your friend about the red flags in their partner

If your friend tells you their conversation with their partner feels like one drama-filled soap opera, it’s time you let them know it's over. There’s every chance that your friend will go out of their way in the early days not knowing that they’re being controlled or manipulated by the person they’re talking to and meeting. A lot gets brushed under the carpet at the start of a relationship and it’s important for you, as the best friend, to tell them to be aware of the pattern so they can evaluate where they stand in the relationship. Add to that, you should be able to tell if this person is concerned about your friend or is trying to control the way they behave, what they wear, what they do, etc. 

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai