Navigating conversations on gender-neutral pronouns and helping loved ones embrace them

It’s an all-too-common scenario: you're gathered with family or friends, and despite their good intentions, someone keeps misgendering you. Despite the fact that they want to respect your gender identity, they struggle to grasp how gender-neutral pronouns, like “they,” actually work.

For many, they are a linguistic afterthought, but for those navigating gender identity, pronouns are deeply personal markers of recognition and respect. Why, then, does this small piece of language so often become a stumbling block in families and communities?

This guide offers simple strategies to make the learning process smoother and help your loved ones practice gender-neutral pronouns.

Educate yourself first

Understanding the importance of pronouns is crucial before starting the conversation. Patruni Chidananda Sastry, India's first bisexual drag dad, explains, “Using a person’s preferred pronouns—whether they are gender-neutral or traditionally gendered (he/she)—is a simple yet profound way to show respect for their identity. For individuals who do not identify strictly within the binary, gender-neutral pronouns offer a way for them to express their gender authentically. This respect extends beyond just the individual, creating a more inclusive society where people can feel seen and heard.”

Create a safe space

Timing the conversation depends on factors like your relationship, cultural norms, and familial dynamics. Dr Maisa Ziadni, a clinical psychologist based in Dubai, advises, “An individual may approach this conversation when the timing feels right, but also recognising that it is a process, which can start with a conversation and lead to more discussions. Resistance is expected in some cases, and it’s important for the individual not to internalise this as rejection, but as an opportunity for education and further discussion.”

Gender-neutral pronouns are already familiar

Most people already use gender-neutral pronouns in daily conversations without realising it. For example, when you don’t know someone's gender, you naturally say, “They went to the market,” rather than “he or she went to the market.” Point this out to your family to show that using “they” for one person isn’t as strange as it might seem.

Focus on identity, not appearance

Pronouns are about respect, not appearance or clothing. Arouba Kabir, emotional and mental health professional and founder of Enso Wellness, says, “To avoid assumptions, imagine meeting someone for the first time without knowing their gender. Using neutral pronouns like ‘they’ is a respectful and natural choice, allowing us to honour their identity without relying on external cues. It’s a small shift, but one that promotes understanding and respect in an increasingly diverse world.”

Practice! Practice! Practice!

Apps and resources can help with learning and practising pronouns. According to GLSEN, an American education organisation, “Use gender-neutral pronouns such as ‘they’ and ‘ze’ while visualising the person who uses them. This is especially useful to do right before you’re about to see the person.”

Today, apps like LGBTQ+ Gender Neutral Pronouns, websites like Practice with Pronouns, and the Minus18 pronoun game make practising easier and more accessible.

Consider generational sensitivity

Older generations may struggle more with understanding gender identities. Be empathetic, recognising that their framework for gender may be rooted in decades of tradition. Kabir explains, “There has been resistance for a long time—adjusting to pronouns will take time, and it is a process. Be kind to yourself if initiating the conversation feels daunting. Similarly, understand that your loved ones may need time to adapt.”

According to GLSEN’s guide, you can help ease this transition by using descriptive language if they’re unsure about someone’s gender, pronouns, or name. For example, suggest saying, “Can you give this paper to the person across the room with the blue T-shirt and short brown hair?”

Acknowledge that language challenges exist

While English has adopted "they/them" as widely recognised gender-neutral pronouns, many languages lack equivalent terms. Patruni Chidananda Sastry points out, “In Indian languages like Hindi and Telugu, gender-neutral pronouns are either nonexistent or culturally complicated. For example, in Telugu, the use of terms like ‘varu’ or ‘veeru’ is reserved for specific contexts, but their application as gender-neutral pronouns is not widely accepted or understood.”

Take care of yourself

Navigating these conversations can be emotionally taxing. Kabir stresses the importance of self-care, saying, “Prioritise your well-being by seeking professional support or leaning on trusted friends. Remember, you are not alone—mental health resources and support groups can provide guidance and solace during difficult times.”

Lead image: Pexels

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