Life coach and author Jay Shetty on the nitty-gritties of real love

Jay Shetty—the former monk-turned-global best-selling author, podcaster, and motivational speaker who set out to make wisdom “go viral”, is now rooting for all-encompassing love. “Like a million others, our views on love are misguided and heavily influenced by movies and portrayals of relationships that just aren’t realistic,” says Shetty. Bit by bit, Shetty’s narrative in the form of his new book, 8 Rules Of Love, pushes us towards thinking about one eternal question—what does real love look like? 

“We have this idea that there is one perfect person for us, and when we meet them, it will be a fairy tale. Many of us grow up with these confusing concepts about love. But what we don’t get are the facts and the tools that can help us build successful relationships. I want to try and dispel some of those misconceptions and offer healthier, more accurate views on love.” Shetty explains that it is human nature to be drawn to love stories, to long for one of our own to the extent that we think we need a ‘better half’ to complete us. “Certainly, when you find someone you’re aligned with, they do enrich your life tremendously. But what we want is to be ‘whole people’, whether or not we’re with someone. It is essential to spend time in solitude. It’s only when we are alone that we really get to know ourselves and learn to enjoy our own company, because we’re not looking at someone else to validate us,” he adds. 

The Britain-born spiritual coach believes that the greatest pursuit of human life is to love and to be loved, and in his case he is fortunate to have met his wife, Radhi Devlukia-Shetty who is an Ayurvedic expert. “One of the central rules that Radhi and I follow is ‘your partner is your guru’. Instead of approaching our relationship with the goal of making each other happy all the time, we try to be good partners to each other, which to us means being good teachers. And the happiness follows.”

Talking about nurturing love every day and choosing to win and lose together, the 35-year-old author points out that every relationship has its ebbs and flows. “Some friction is inevitable...I actually believe a couple is more likely to be doomed if they never fight. Not fighting does not mean there’s never anything wrong, it simply means you never talk about what’s wrong.” Shetty shares that he likes to resolve things immediately, while his wife needs more time to process things. So they try to fathom ways to honour each other’s needs through communication.

“We often think that the issue is our partner, but the issue itself, is the issue. The most important thing is that you don’t fight against one another but against the problem and try to resolve it together.” Although, he says, even fighting it out as a team doesn’t always guarantee the resolution we expect. This may sometimes result in couples wondering if they should be together after all. Then comes the inevitable fear of the breakup. “Often, when a relationship is over, we think we are over...That a breakup breaks us, but it doesn’t. I don’t want to sound dismissive—breakups are really difficult, and it is important to grieve and let yourself feel and process those emotions. Yet, sometimes we dwell so much on the breakup that we lose sight of the fact that every ending is also a new beginning. You want to take that time to reflect on the relationship so you can learn from it. But beyond that, try and open yourself to the new version of life that’s unfolding for you,” he recommends. 

According to Shetty, the most important thing in a relationship is compatibility—both for the couple’s core values and what they want from the future. “Those things don’t exactly have to be the same, but they do have to be complimentary. Like, if one partner really wants children, and the other doesn’t, or if you have very different ideas about managing money.” He suggests that those are the areas where we should be more in alignment with our partner, or it can cause problems later. The best way to avoid such issues is the Three Date Rule that he mentions in his book. “Three dates provide enough opportunity to determine whether there is serious potential between you and the other person or not. For each date, I offer questions along certain themes, such as general compatibility, their experiences, values, attitude towards life, and their future aspirations.” 

So the big question remains: ‘Will I ever find love?’ Shetty says that we’ve grown up dreading being alone...so it’s little wonder we rush into wrong relationships and choose to accept less than we deserve. “But the first step in preparing to love others starts with learning to love yourself,” he remarks. “It is so important to always put yourself at the top of your list while your partner does the same. If you are always putting others first, you’re hoping that someone else is going to do the same for you as well. If you each attend to your own journey, you’ll be more satisfied, and that energy you derive from finding meaning in your life will fuel your relationship.” 

Amalgamating all the rules and tell-tale learnings that form the crux of Shetty’s “imperfect story”, he urges us to Love, Again and Again (Rule 8) through it all. “We spend so much time and energy on people who don’t return our love that we miss out on all the love that’s around us. Instead of expecting love, we need to find ways to express it. Because every time you express love, you also experience it.” 

From preparing for love to protecting and perfecting it—the author expands our horizon to infinite love. “To me, the highest expression of love is service, but it goes far beyond that.” And how will love evolve in the near future? “We can be of service to our community and to the larger world, including animals and nature. In that way, the love that we experience is truly boundless. I think that’s going to be the next evolution in how we look at love. Up to this point—at least in modern history, we’ve focused almost entirely on romantic love and lost sight of all these other incredible ways in which we can give and receive love. When we give love freely, we not only enrich other’s lives, we enrich our own as well,” he signs off.