Why people play mind games and how to identify them

One of the first few rules of the 101 guide on relationships is: Never make your partner second guess if you’re the right one for them or be in a relationship where you don't have to. If it is true that love evolves into a long-lasting bond built on trust, communication, and honesty, then what makes people want to be the alpha of the relationship and manipulate their partner? Mind games usually centre on people wanting to have power over others, thus undermining the relationship. 

Below are some of the types of mind games that play and how to identify them.

Playing Hard-to-Get

A partner makes themselves unavailable, resulting in the other working harder to ‘get’ them. Some of the signs of this are a delay in returning calls, not texting for a long time, leaving messages on 'read', lying, making excuses, avoiding conversations and date plans, and so on. 

Sending Mixed Signals

Watching your partner blow hot at one point and then go cold at another can be extremely confusing. They first show interest, then get too busy for a relationship, make themselves available again, only to disappear yet another time. This pattern indicates the person doesn’t know what they want or are indecisive about the way forward. 

Silent Treatment

Silent treatment usually leaves the partner wondering what could have wrong and even questioning if they were at fault or caused the partner to go all silent. It is usually done by people who want to be pursued. They will have a conversation only when they feel that the person has begged them enough. 

Love Bombing

This technique involves showering a person with excessive affection and love without really meaning it, early on in the relationship. They overwhelm the person with grand gestures, undivided attention and constant contact. But that’s the extent to which they want to go. 

Breadcrumbing

One person offers very little to the other person, enough to keep them around without making any promises or commitments. They offer the bare minimum to keep them hooked.

Gaslighting

The term is derived from a 1938 British stage play, Gas Light, which was later made into a film, Gaslight, wherein a husband tries to make his wife feel like she’s losing her mind. In this extremely toxic mind game, a person tries to convince the other they are at fault or are lying. The gaslighter may go to the extent of denying certain events took place or project their own actions onto the victim. 

Why people play mind games

According to Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, it stems from the need to have a person who’s well and truly there for you. “Mind games stem from a place of immaturity and insecurity. The person is trying to establish control over and manipulate the other. People do this when they want to have an upper hand in the relationship and not show their vulnerabilities or weaknesses.”

Aftab adds that it could also be a result of past or childhood trauma. “They indulge in these behaviours because they haven’t seen better relationships around them; their parents probably did not have a healthy relationship. They probably don’t know what love is all about.” 

At the start of a relationship, there’s always a thrill and excitement to find out the extent to which your partner would go. Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai, explains, “People may manipulate because they are unsure of how their partner feels. They test their level of commitment and see how willing they are to make the relationship work and put in effort. For instance, one indulges in breadcrumbing only to see how much initiative the partner ends up taking.” 

Recognise a red flag and what a healthy relationship should feel like

Dordi says it’s important for one to recognise right from wrong and spend more time focusing on the better things. “Playing mind games create a toxic and unhealthy environment. It has no place in a healthy, happy relationship. Mind games are signs of manipulation and deception. It hurts people’s feelings and gives them trust issues. These are major red flags. Building the foundation on transparency and honesty is the way to go. Be open to being vulnerable and create a safe space for your partner to be able to show their vulnerable side. And when it happens, the bond between two people deepens.”