How sibling rivalry can impact a person's self-esteem

As parents, watching your children grow up together, bond, co-depend on each other and be a solid team together is a bliss like no other. However, as they grow older and start their schooling and other activities, it's likely that they will develop sibling rivalry. The reasons for this animosity could be several—from competing for parents' attention to excelling academically or professionally. 

While being competitive is healthy, what's the extent to which it remains so? What should a parent do in a situation like this? Two leading psychologists help us with answers and tips to avoid the situation going out of hand.

Do not compare your kids

Your kids are individuals. Comparing them with others—whether it's their sibling or a peer—will send them the message that they’re not good enough and need to try to live up to your standards. In the case of siblings, when parents use one kid as an example to belittle the other, it forms an unhealthy pattern; leads to a stressed and tense relationship between them; impacts their self-esteem, makes them question their self-worth, and sometimes leads to feelings of aggression and depression. 

The objective, as parents and mentors, should be to make each child feel unique and make them believe that their uniqueness is their strength. Parents should understand that each child is unique and requires individual attention. The child needs to know and believe in their and their sibling's strengths and understand how they are different from each other.  

Parents should be careful to not use their weaknesses to compare or put the child down as the foundation of their beliefs is laid early on. To raise self-assured and confident kids, make them see their strengths and help them deal with and work on their weaknesses.  

When rivalry can be a good thing

Sibling rivalry often helps in developing basic skills like negotiation and conflict resolution. When two siblings disagree, they learn to express their opinion and find a middle ground; these are crucial life skills that will come in handy in the long run. Dealing with conflict and competition can help them learn to manage their own emotions and develop empathy and compassion for others. The shared experiences and memories of playing together and engaging in healthy competition can strengthen their bond. Not everyone feels the need to prove something to their sibling. It often depends on the upbringing and the environment in the house.

However, when both siblings are good at the same thing, the wish to do better than the other is stronger. Though unless it is damaging their equation or bothers one or more people, it is healthy. It shouldn’t be the individual’s life mission to bring their sibling down. If nurtured properly, sibling rivalry can be a great asset and work in favour of their development. Siblings can challenge each other to become better individuals. 

Set expectations and foster a sense of teamwork 

It’s important for parents to have siblings want to work together and build a bond between the two. They need to feel that nothing will ever come between them. Parents must set clear expectations, establish some basic ground rules, and tell their kids what respectable behaviour is. They should also create a safe space that encourages open communication—between the children and with parents. Their experiences can identify potential issues and lead to the development of positive sibling relationships.

Sibling rivalry in adulthood

Comparisons are likely and may not stop for a while to come. However, if you think someone is better than you, try to learn from them or expand your horizons—fill the information gap instead of feeling animosity towards them, understand the differences, and discover your shortcomings. This comes when you’re ready to let go of negative and toxic feelings. Believe in your abilities. 

Yes, your sibling might be doing better in life, but at the end of the day, your feelings are a reflection of your self-esteem. Knowing why you feel a certain way is important. It’s time to introspect. 

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, and Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai