How avoiding difficult conversations is harming your career

I was chatting to a ‘Head of’ the other day, who was asking me whether I could help her solve an issue with a team member—namely, a manager that reported into her. According to this leader, her manager’s performance had noticeably declined, and this was understandably impacting the rest of her team. She felt that some coaching might help improve the manager’s performance and develop some awareness of how her behaviour was impacting others.

Wanting to help, I asked for more information. What steps had already been taken to ensure that this employee aware of the issues? What had been the reaction? The response was surprising.

No direct conversation had been had. It turned out that the only managers' meetings that ever took place were in group settings, over a cup of tea. They’d go through work notices and the workload for the week and have a nice chat. She wanted to create a happy environment, but there was no time for one-to-ones. I was stunned. How could this ‘Head of’ call themselves a leader if they didn’t have performance-related conversations?

Incredibly, this type of remote leadership is more common than you think, especially in hybrid working environments. Whether it's cultural or an avoidance tactic, it leaves employees working with unclear expectations, making endless assumptions, or potentially developing habits that may not serve them or the business well.

When issues go unaddressed, they don’t go away—they go underground. And like the worry that keeps you up in the middle of the night, they get magnified and twisted and blown way out of proportion. Why? Because we were too afraid to have the difficult chat.

Why do we avoid or skirt around these trickier conversations? Well, there are a number of very human reasons: fear of conflict, fear of upsetting someone, fear of not being liked, fear of being misjudged, or a need to always be the peacekeeper. All of these are valid, and many of them related to our upbringing, our past experiences, or the environments we find ourselves in. But regardless of this, not speaking to someone about their performance – and expecting it to resolve itself – isn’t fair to the employee or the rest of the team.

Five ways to successfully tackle a difficult conversation:

Prepare – but don’t rehearse – and make sure your message is clear from the outset. Start with a neutral phrase, such as “I’d like to discuss…”.

Assume positive intent but be direct about the issue.

Be accountable and use ‘I’ statements, such as “I have noticed that…”. It is important that you don’t blame another team member, or sound vague. Focus on impact, not personality.

4/ Stay open and curious. Listen actively and seek to understand.

 Follow up. Make space for change and further discussion. Offer your support in this process and work with your employee on a ‘next steps’ plan.

Avoiding discomfort is completely natural, but to be a powerful leader you have to lean in and get more accustomed to facing the hard stuff. As with everything in life, the more you do it, the easier it will get – and your team will respect you for it.

Lead Image: Ron Tom/Shondaland/Abc/Kobal/Shutterstock

This article originally appeared on Harper'sBazaar.com


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