Have we forgotten how to relax?

For generations, women have fought to 'have it all'. Now, arguably, we've never had more choice or more opportunity (bar a few notable steps backwards). In today's social media-dominated landscape we're all multi-hyphenates with portfolio careers and side hustles–mothers, bosses, businesswomen–with more attention than ever placed on our value in both professional and social environments. We are ‘having it all’, it seems, but what we’re not having enough of, is rest.

Experienced transformation coach Jo Glynn-Smith agrees that, for so many of us, rest isn’t where it should be on the priority list. "Sadly, rest is something that is not taken seriously enough and being ‘busy’ all the time is a badge of honour," she tells me. "We seem to celebrate people who sleep less and work more, but this is putting too much pressure on every part of our minds and bodies, let alone our relationships."

The main issue, she points out, is that being constantly busy is unsustainable. "When you’re on a career roll, it’s difficult to put the brakes on; the adrenaline carries you along and it’s super exciting," she explains. "Unfortunately, most of us can’t sustain extremely high pressure for a long period of time and eventually something gives. This is commonly known as burnout and can be a huge shock to a high performer."

PRODUCTIVITY PRESSURE

Perhaps thanks to increasing social media use, ‘productivity porn’ is more prevalent than ever–and it can be a damaging charade. We're led to believe that everyone else is using their spare time productively and more effectively than we are. Simply sitting still doesn't seem to be an option–and certainly not a guilt-free one.

Instagram alone is an ever-growing showcase for women sharing how they live their lives (or how they want you to think they live their lives): flower markets, books, coffees, planning the week ahead in beautiful journals from their clean, modern homes on Sundays; on weekdays, it’s waking up at 5 am, manifestation, yoga, goal-setting (and reaching), recording a podcast, writing a book, working 9-5 (at least), drinking lots of water, eating nutritious meals and remaining fresh-faced, strong, and kind through it all.

Nails are manicured, skin is clear and glowing (because we still must live up to that standard, too)–but for professional working women in full-time positions, is this attainable? Even more importantly: is it real?

"Western society's measure of success is very status-driven–the important job title, wealth, the right clothes, car or house," says Glynn-Smith. "We see a lot of this status celebrated in the media and this enforces the idea that we have to ‘do it all’ to be ‘worthy’, ‘loved' and ‘enough'–and that’s putting pressure on everyone. And it’s getting worse: you can’t just have a respectable job, you also have to have a side hustle, raise money for charity, have a following on Instagram or write a book. There’s so much pressure; no wonder we find it hard to switch off."

Our decades-long push for power has granted, seen more women have more choice, but the pressure on those who don’t have children is particularly interesting: they must always be productive–‘while they still can’. The implication is that they're wasting all that free time that's not dedicated to childcare. That’s not to say that professional women with young children have it easier – their duties include all of the above plus being ‘a good mother’.

According to burnout prevention specialist Cara de Lange, much of this productivity pressure comes from not wanting "to lose out on an opportunity". She explains: "Women in particular can be hard on themselves and when imposter syndrome pops up, we have a tendency to overachieve."

"But think of it this way; if that extra thing you take on is finally the overflowing of the glass of water, and it leads to burnout and physical symptoms that will take years to recover from, is that really worth it?"

ARE WE IN A PERMANENT STATE OF STRESS?

Somewhere along the path to success–in every sense–have we lost permission to be human? Within the to-do lists of professional, social, and personal life, where is the room for recovery? We’re told to create a life we don’t need a break from, but the reality of high performance is that rest is needed in order for any of us to achieve our fullest potential.

"We live in a world where the measure for success is mostly around money and return on investment," says de Lange. "Add to that technology and the fast pace of our lives and we have started to live in an 'always on' culture, where we need to be seen as 'doing' all the time. We have forgotten how to get into a state of 'being' which includes different types of rest."

As a result, a new kind of burnout is commonly being experienced. "In our latest research we are seeing a trauma-infused burnout appearing, one that includes moral stress," she continues. "There is a mismatch between our values and beliefs and the way we work. We are morally misaligned–and often not aware of that. We're also spending too much time in 'doing' mode. To change this, we need to get back into 'being' mode."

Part of ‘having it all’ might be described as ample access to opportunity (but an important reminder: it’s OK to say no), and access to ‘things’ and ‘stuff’ – but where do we draw the line? Access to so much content and insight into other people’s lives has become how we unwind after a long day or week–but the effects can be detrimental. So many spend their first and final waking minutes of the day mindlessly scrolling TikTok or Instagram–which is proven to have a negative impact on mental wellbeing and provides a constant stream of negative comparison. It removes the positive impact of what we, ourselves, are doing, to the point where it no longer seems enough.

HOW TO RELAX, REALLY

There’s a case to be made for self-care being potentially quite difficult. That it’s not always a bubble bath (as much as I adore a bubble bath): it’s also setting boundaries, saying ‘no’, asking for help, going to the dentist.

For those with busy lives, building ongoing, sustainable habits is key to maintaining balance and getting back to that ‘state of being’. Here are some tips on how to do just that:

1) GET ORGANISED

If we’re going to attempt to have it all, we need to be organised. With a to-do list so lengthy, it helps to know what really matters. Try to focus on what is most important to you: what you want, not what you think you should want. Write down everything that’s on your current plate and you can begin to bring order. Start with what's most timely or urgent but also what will most impact you and your state of mind. Feeling overwhelmed helps no one.

2) KEEP A JOURNAL

With lots going on day-to-day, our nervous systems can become unbalanced, leading to some unpleasant, stress-related symptoms. If you have little time to think during the day it’s common for it to all pop up at night, just as you’re trying to get to sleep. Writing a short journal entry before bed each night helps to bring more control to this process and encourages a more restful night’s slumber. Make sure this involves using pen and paper–not jotting down notes in your phone, which will only increase your blue-light exposure before bedtime (and provides ample opportunities for detrimental distractions).

3) PRIORITSE SLEEP

Quality sleep is the most powerful recovery mechanism we have. As well as writing your thoughts down, creating a manageable night-time routine that you can stick to is key for genuine, consistent rest. Find what works for you, but you could try reading before bed (instead of social-media scrolling), taking a warm bath or shower, or lavender-infused aromatherapy candles and face masks to promote relaxation. Of course, if you have young children then disturbed sleep often can't be helped; but try and find time to wind down and have as much of a routine as possible.

4) SCHEDULE TIME OUT

When managing a busy schedule, enjoyable time for yourself can fall by the wayside. Choose one day a month to dedicate to something that you want to do, not what your partner, children or friends want to do. It can be by yourself or with other people–whichever you find more relaxing–and could include anything from a museum trip or spa day to an hour of manifestation, a Netflix binge or a trip to the salon. Remember though, it’s for enjoyment, not maintenance.

5) OPTIMISE YOUR ENVIRONMENT

And not just physically–this includes mind, body and spirit. Having a tidy desk and home certainly helps, but so does clearing junk out of your smartphone (apps, contacts, emails, photos), and optimising your digital spaces. Choose what you consume carefully: social media platforms can be positive, helpful places if you’re mindful of what you look at, and as humans we’re extremely influenced by what we expose ourselves to.

6) MANAGE YOUR THOUGHTS

If you’re living in a consistently stressful state (perhaps without realising), you may notice that your thoughts tend to take a more negative spin than they would if you were feeling more balanced. Spotting these patterns can have a profound impact on mindset and emotional resilience, and can be adopted as a long-term habit.We really can have it all, do it all, be it all–but only if we’re well. Being a high-performance woman means mental resilience, emotional agility and bringing our best to whichever room we’re in: let us not forget it.

This piece originally appeared in Harper's Bazaar UK