Can the viral ‘Let Them’ theory really change your life?

If you have traversed any part of the self-help world in the last few months, then it is likely that you will have come across the ‘Let Them’ theory. The short and hugely popular mantra gained popularity last year when the motivational speaker Mel Robbins (who herself is no stranger to viral fame, having hosted a 2011 Ted Talk that boasts more than 33 million views) took to Instagram to share a theory that she “frigging loved”.

“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them,” Robbins says. “If the person that you’re really attracted to is not interested in commitment, let them. If your kids don’t want to get up and go to that thing with you this weekend, let them.”

Effectively, the ‘Let Them’ theory is about accepting that you cannot control other people or situations. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean we should be entirely passive in our behaviour—instead, disciples of the church of ‘Let Them’ are aware that we can only control ourselves and our own reactions. For example: you are not responsible for someone shoving in front of you in the queue, but you are responsible for not losing your temper and starting a fight.

“The ‘Let Them’ theory is ultimately about giving up control and allowing things to unfold naturally,” Dr Sophie Mort, a psychologist from Headspace, tells Harper’s Bazaar. “It means letting people do what they will do, without trying to control them—deciding instead to shift our focus to our own lives, and what we can take charge of, such as our own actions and emotions.

“We often feel the urge to control or persuade people to be who we want them to be, in part because we think that is the right thing to do, and in part because we want to manage our own anxiety and uncertainty that arises around other people's behaviour. The issue is, when we try to shape other people’s behaviour, we often end up disappointed, frustrated and exhausted. And, we lose sight of our own lives, and what we can actually control.

A mantra so simple, yet clearly so effective, has made waves on social media; amassing millions of views on TikTok, the two-word phrase was the basis of Robbins’ guide, The 'Let Them' theory. After its release in December last year, the book became a New York Times and Sunday Times best-seller, and counted self-help Goliaths like Oprah Winfrey as fans (“This book is a game changer,” she said on her podcast. “It’s a life changer.”)

The 'Let Them' theory does have its upsides. Senior psychotherapist Laura Gwilt praises the theory for helping chronic people-pleasers assert better boundaries.

“The 'Let Them' theory is based on ideas from psychology, like radical acceptance and cognitive behavioural therapy, helping people feel less stressed,” she explains. “It can reduce anxiety, and help people concentrate on their own happiness by focusing on what they can and can’t control.”

However, despite high-profile figures preaching ‘let them’ from the high hills, there are significant downsides that some experts have pointed out. From the outset, the flimsiness of two words allows for a lot of misinterpretation.

“The theory also assumes a level of emotional maturity that not everyone possesses or can develop quickly,” Gwilt continues. “It might lead to avoiding problems, allowing bad behaviour, or failing to stand up for yourself.

“It also doesn’t allow for building communication skills or conflict management, and emphasises detachment in a way that might unintentionally encourage emotional avoidance.”

There have also been concerns expressed that ‘let them’ may encourage passivity to the point of self-harm. It’s all fine and well to say ‘let them’ in response to your friends leaving you out of plans, but things become decisively thornier when it comes to wider issues, such as the political sphere, where a ‘let them’ response can ultimately spiral very quickly.

According to Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, the ‘Let Them’ theory should not be applied in a blanket fashion across your life. Instead, people should look at the wider context and decide whether it is something they can afford to let go, or whether intervention is necessary.

“There are times when passivity isn’t helpful—like when someone’s behaviour is harmful, abusive, or crosses your boundaries. If a situation requires advocacy, confrontation, or direct action, such as addressing workplace discrimination or ending a toxic relationship, then standing up for yourself is more important than 'letting them' do as they please. The key is distinguishing between what’s worth letting go of and when taking action is necessary for your wellbeing.”

The Let Them theory may be criticised for its flimsiness, but in an age where attention spans are short and punchy buzzwords perform better than wordy paragraphs with multiple caveats, it is important to apply a decent helping of common sense when following any self-help mantra.

Robbins herself doesn’t disagree with the theory's simplicity—instead, she credits that very factor for it's widespread popularity.

“Yeah, it is a cheap trick,” she told The New York Times. “And it works.”

All images: Getty Images

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