Signs that your partner is making you anxious

Bills, deadlines at work, family—a person has a lot of things to worry about in life. When in a relationship, the last thing that they need to worry about is if their partner loves them or not. While knowing the answer to that question is a resounding yes requires a lot of effort (from both parties), it’s a task that’s easier said than done. What certainly doesn’t make the situation and the relationship any easier is if the partner adds to your worries and anxiety in ways where they’re solely responsible for you being anxious or it being a case of you having anxiety issues that need to be dealt with. Not a good place to be in either case.

It often happens that we’re sometimes completely unaware of the things our partner does that add to our anxiety. Two leading counsellors tell us what to look out for. 

The foundation of a strong relationship is built on trust, respect, and allowing each other to be themselves. The problem arises when they start to control your life, the actions, and decisions that you take. This leads to a sense of powerlessness, self-doubt, and anxiety. 

Frequent criticism of the partner is a negative quality that could break a relationship and add to one’s anxiety. Things can indeed become extremely toxic when the person you’re with only talks, in fact focuses, about the negatives and completely ignores the good and positive. This constant criticism can erode a person’s self-esteem and make them question themselves if they’re good enough. 

An example here would be you losing your keys. Instead of your partner helping you find them, they’re being insensitive and are now ridiculing and criticize you and blaming you for being the person that you are. 

Having them invalidate your feelings and display inconsistent behaviour where they blow hot and cold hampers the relationship and the communication between the couple. Watching your partner blow hot at one point and then go cold at another can be extremely confusing. This pattern indicates the person doesn’t know what they want or are indecisive about the way forward. And this indecisiveness adds to your anxiety as you’re constantly worrying about how they make you feel. 

Mind games usually centre on people wanting to have power over others, thus undermining the relationship and using manipulation tactics. Having no open communication, resorting to gaslighting— where a person tries to convince the other they are at fault or are lying, not listening to what they have to say is extremely anxiety-inducing. Add to that, the avoidance of conflict is another major red flag. Arguments and fights always take place in a relationship. What’s important is the way the person handles the fight and takes care of the situation and the person. Not addressing the elephant in the room creates tension and resentment over a period of time. Another situation that isn’t spoken about, but adds to one’s anxiety in a relation is the economic insecurity felt when the partner controls finances and manipulates it. 

What the partners can do

If a person knows you have anxiety and still adds to it, it’s the first sign of them needing therapy themselves. They need to cope and understand how anxiety and their partner work and be sensitive enough to understand the condition. The chances of them being supportive and not adding to the panic look less and tough without this. They need to be made aware of what they can do to not add to the misery. Add to that, they need to realise that they need to take ownership of their lives and not be so affected by their partner’s behaviour. A way to begin is by understanding their own problems and coming up with a plan—one that helps them and their partner. For example, keeping a stash of cash or a set of keys with you because they’re forgetful. 

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai