Playing it cool or playing it safe? Here’s why we’re afraid to love out loud

Modern daters are masters of the emotional poker face. The rules are simple: Chat, flirt, and keep it casual, but never, ever show your hand completely. We’re all guilty of playing it cool for fear of coming off too strong—laughing off the butterflies, hiding feelings behind a perfectly timed meme, and acting like they don’t care even when they really, really do. The skillset has been elevated art form now. We speak in emojis and half-texts, our feelings carefully encoded. A double tap here, a delayed response there—every move is overcalculated, every word overthought. But underneath this performative coolness, we're still feeling. Intensely. Messily. Completely.

So why this elaborate choreography of emotional restraint? What are we really protecting ourselves from?

The fear of being left on read

Somewhere along the way, we’ve been conditioned to think that showing our true feelings is a vulnerability we can’t afford. We’d rather keep things low stakes and risk-free than open up and face rejection or, worse yet, be labeled as “too much”. There’s also the fear of scaring the other person off and pushing them away before things have a chance to develop. Pop culture continues to reinforce and reflect this mindset, from the subtle anxiety in Taylor Swift’s Delicate—“Is it cool that I said all that? Is it too soon to say this yet? Cause I know that it’s delicate”—to the countless romance movies and TV shows that centre around this theme. 

According to Shahzeen Shivdasani, relationship expert and author of Lust, Love and Lemons, playing it cool is a behaviour rooted in the fear of rejection. “You don’t want to come off like you’re in a place where the other person hasn’t reached, because that will make you feel like you’ve been rejected,” she explains. “So, a lot of people wait until they’re certain that the other person is on the same page as them and only then do they like to open up.” 

Too cool to catch feelings

Thanks to social media, caring too much can make you seem like you’re “extra” or a “simp”—a reputation no one wants. So, we lean into the cool girl/guy persona, where we pretend like we’re hyper-chill about all matters of the heart. It’s that subtle flex of acting like we have everything under control, even if we’re dying on the inside, waiting for them to text us first.

It’s safe to say that modern dating has become a bit of a game—one full of power plays. “I would never want my crush to think that I’m sold on him or that I’m waiting around. How embarrassing. I’d rather keep him guessing,” says Somya Garg (28), whose dating disasters off a dating app inspired one of the key incidents in Red Flags and Rishtas.

Go big or go home

We hold back in love to protect ourselves from rejection and judgment, believing that the emotional distance will keep us safe. But here’s the kicker: In trying to avoid seeming desperate or overly invested, we end up missing out on the most human part of love—the raw, unfiltered connection. 

And even if it doesn’t work out, expressing our feelings is never a bad idea. “The psychological benefit of expressing love openly, even at the risk of rejection, is truly being honest with yourself and owning yourself, which builds confidence,” says Shivdasani. 

At the end of the day, taking that leap is what helps you grow—not just as a romantic partner, but also as a person. So why not risk it? What’s the worst that could happen?

Lead image: Netflix

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