"I’ve lived fifty years in fear, I will not be afraid anymore," say theatre veterans Vishal Asrani and Jiji Subi

“And now the end is here
And so I face that final curtain
My friend I'll make it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I travelled each and every highway
And more, much more
I did it, I did it my way”

My Way by Frank Sinatra 

Centre stage, standing in the spotlight, theatre veteran Vishal Asrani sang the iconic Frank Sinatra number. “It has been my favourite song, but I could never sing it as I would always break into tears. But I truly believe that I have lived by this song. We faced it all with conviction, and now I will bear the odds and consequences. But I will still do it my way because I will not be able to sleep at night, knowing I've lied to myself,” he says. 

And as he sang, Jiji Subi, dressed in drag, walked up from the aisle and onto the stage. He went behind the curtains, stripped off his costume, wiped off the make-up, and came out dressed as a man. He went down on his knees and got married to the love of his life. They’d been married before, away from the country and without their loved ones’ presence. But this time it was different—after 18 years of togetherness, when they got married this time at the Mumbai Opera House, they were surrounded by their special ones. And they wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“How were the reactions?” I asked. “Standing ovations, love, love, love, and more love. We looked at each other and wondered why we waited so long,” said Asrani. But, like all fairy tales, it was hardly easy to get to the happy ending. So, we’ll take you to the beginning of it all—the budding romance, the struggles of being a same-sex couple, and the love they had for each other all along. 

How they met 

Vishal Asrani is trained in classical music and is a Trinity College of London examiner. He has played many roles over the course of his life—he has taught performing arts for 30 years, he is a director, an actor, a singer, and a dancer. For me, he’s all this and more—a mentor, guide, second parent, if you must. 

“I’m a hopeless romantic, always was. I knew I wanted a family and that feeling of having a partner, but it didn't feel right when I thought of a woman and it felt wrong to think of a man because it was not supposed to be that way. It was taboo. It was immoral and sinful. Any effeminate boy was labelled a chakka (eunuch), in a demeaning way. I was in love with love and expressed it towards my family and the children I taught, but I never got the love of a man.” 

It was the internet chatroom era. “I tried everything, even the horrible chat apps that were there at that time, where everybody only wanted to meet for sex. I wondered if I would ever find my prince, somebody who loved me for me (and vice versa), beyond the physical attributes. We met on a chat group and went out on a date. Jiji Subi is a trained Bharatanatyam dancer, has a master’s in neurobiology, and was a part of the Indian Air Force. 

“I was my fattest in life, and had given up hope of any man finding me attractive. When he came home for lunch, we ended up chatting and falling in love with each other. We were together all evening, and chatted all night. At about 5:00 am, I told him, ‘I think I love you’. He was completely taken aback, but we took it slow and soon, we were on the same page.” 

For Subi, life changed when he met Asrani. He belonged to a staunch Christian family and his stint with the Air Force was a breath of fresh air for him. Yet, “When you're in the Armed Forces and in a family like mine, you can't openly talk about having a different sexual orientation. I always knew I was gay, but my biggest challenge was accepting it myself. Had it not been for Vishal, I don’t know where I would have been in life.” 

Working towards the 20 years after and their challenges 

“We had a long-distance relationship. He couldn't leave his home. So, he would come and help me backstage under the pretext of performing. We found a common love for performance. He told me, it was exactly what he wanted to do all his life, but was never allowed to.”

With a 20 year bond with Air Force, it was nearly impossible for Subi to leave and pursue his dream with Asrani. “So I said, ‘why don’t we work towards the ‘20 years later’?” says Asrani. So, he trained in theatre. Fortunately, love works in mysterious ways. With the help of friends and acquaintances across the globe, Subi was able to voluntarily resign from the Air Force. I remember we were in Bangkok on a holiday, and I wept,” recalls Asrani. 

About 12 years ago, when Subi was diagnosed with tuberculosis, the two had to inform his parents. They would brainwash him to go home with them instead of Asrani. “His TB was recurring, but they wouldn't bring him to the hospital because they didn’t want him to come back to me. They would rather he died than living with me. They would lock him in the house and go to church. One day when they forgot to lock the door, I picked him up and we went to the police station. That's how he came back,” reminisce Asrani. 

“We’re grateful. I don’t think the universe can be kinder to us. People can become bitter after such experiences, but if we have each other, there is nothing we cannot conquer,” they say together. The non-acceptance lasted many years and surfaced in many ways. When they decided to get married, they had to do it outside the country without friends and family. Up until last year, Asrani’s parents were not comfortable with the idea of referring to Subi as Vishal’s husband. 

Theatre has not only been a solace and home for the couple, but also the hundreds of children whom they have mentored. “Theatre is a space where you can be anything you want to be. There are no questions asked. I was one of the first few artists in India to do a drag show. I personally don't like dressing in women's clothes. But for stage, I think it's beautiful.” 

Love and legality 

Today, the conversations surrounding same-sex marriage and its legal connotations are increasing. Asrani and Subi’s experience of living together, hospitalisation, and marriage has made them realise they had no rights for long. “When Jiji was hospitalised, I had no right to say anything,” recalls Asrani. “We only recently got an insurance policy together, but still can’t open a joint bank account” adds Subi. “I keep thinking if I've hurt your sentiments, all I can say is the quote by Tina Turner: ‘Sorry if my rights are getting in the way of your bigotry.’ Even when Section 377 was decriminalised, are you telling me, anybody has the right to be in my bedroom and see what I'm doing?” says Asrani.  

“Imagine living your entire life like you're committing a crime. No one should ever go through it. It's unfair for anybody to think they don't have the right to live their lives or to love,” says Subi. 

Their pride show was a powerful statement on love in every way. It was the undying urge to share their love for each other in front of everyone without shame or embarrassment. “To shout out from the rooftops that I love you and you're the one, because love is undefinable. It is omnipotent and omnipresent. I truly believe, love can conquer all, we just don’t give it a chance. Ours is a fairy tale, but there are many battles in those fairy tales which don’t need to be spoken about. We all have them but my god I’d go through it all again for what we have,” says Asrani.