How to deal with the news of your child being involved in bullying
Two therapists suggest parents on both sides of the situation, about ways to tackle the situation and resolve conflict.
Most often, parents don’t know a lot about what their kids do in their daily life, be it at school or with friends. But they can pick up on hints about their feelings and emotions, especially if bullying is involved. The conversation with the child about their behaviour may not be easy or pleasant, but it needs to be done, nonetheless.
If you have identified the need to have a conversation and don't know how to go about it, here are some things to keep in mind before broaching the subject.
Understand why a child becomes a bully
Multiple factors contribute to a child resorting to bullying—from individual characteristics and family dynamics, to social influences and environmental factors. Children with low self-esteem can resort to bullying to gain control and exercise dominance as it makes them feel good about themselves. There is also a possibility that the child learns this behaviour from their family, peers, and even the media such as movies, ad films, news and so on. They witness people getting their way out or gaining social status by bullying the soft targets in the circle.
What parents go through, despite being on opposite sides
To begin with, it’s completely natural for parents to feel shocked, overwhelmed, angry, or upset when they learn their kid is being bullied or is a bully. While addressing the issue, the first course of action should be to gather all the information before concluding. Start with the basics. Ask the 5Ws and 1H (what, where, when, why, who, and how) to get all the necessary answers. It's important to stay composed when asking these questions for the kids to feel secure and open up without fear. Listen patiently to them and empathise.
Some parents may want to take matters into their own hands, especially if their child is being bullied, as the basic instinct is to protect the child by going on aggressive and teaching them a lesson. If the child is a bully, there is a likelihood he is picking the behaviour—the parents probably believe in spanking or hitting the child when they falter. So there are good chances that if someone complains to them about their child, they don’t see the wrong in it and instead get aggressive. They might brush it off under the carpet as they do not see it as an issue. At this point, the victim's parents may feel unheard or disheartened.
Putting the best foot forward
The bully’s parents must listen to the angry parent without any judgement or getting defensive and aggressive. There could also be a small chance, the situation arose due to a minor misunderstanding. Listening with empathy helps resolve the situation. Another thing to take care of is to never shame, embarrass, or humiliate the child; this applies to both sides of the parents. Refrain from talking down to the child who is bullied with sentences like: ‘How could you get bullied by this guy’ or validating the bully's behaviour with remarks such as: ‘You’re so strong. I’m proud of you’. Instead, children should be taught empathy and let the child know that their actions will have consequences.
The need to put away biases
The only way the situation can be tackled is by having all the facts in place. As they say, half-knowledge is worse than having no knowledge at all. As a parent, you would want the best for your child but that does not mean you favour them in spite of their bad behaviour. It will only raise an arrogant, angry child. Understanding the situation is important before taking any action. And the action needs to be taken in the interest of both kids—the bully and the bullied.
Avoid targeting the child in the absence of their parents
If the parent of the child who was bullied reprimands the bully in the absence of their parents, it will only backfire and affect both children. If the parents can't have a respectful conversation between them, then a mediator such as school authorities or parents of other children (both neutral), should step in. After all, it is not about stamping your authority or proving dominance over the other party. It is important to be respectful towards the child ad their parents and have them involved at every step.
Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, and Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai