How to choose the right counsellor for you

Let’s rewind to December 2020. I wasn’t in the right headspace. With everything happening around me and to me, I felt the desperate need to have an outlet for my feelings. I knew journaling or writing in my diary wouldn't cut it; I needed a person to talk to, one who’d listen. I didn’t want that person to be someone I know, so friends and family were off the list. So who could I go to? After a fews days of deliberation, I finally gathered the courage to visit a counsellor. And there began my journey towards recovery, a better me. It’s been more than two years now, but I still remember the days when I was considering counselling and all the things that went through my head before I finally made a decision. 

I needed to find a person who I could trust and feel comfortable with. After all, I was preparing to open my soul to a complete stranger. But how would I choose the right one? It was a very important decision I had to make. While at that time, I didn’t have anyone helping me make the choice, you do. Two counsellors list the green and red flags to look out for when choosing your counsellor. Take a step closer towards an improved mental health. Read on. 

LOGIC AND LOGISTICS

What’s the first thing one should look for? According to Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir HN Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai, just like for most things, the logistics need to be sorted. “It (logistics) is one of the most important things. To begin with, we do not have enough counsellors in our city and country. If you search ‘doctors near me’, you’d probably have a thousand to choose from, but if you look for counsellors near me, you will probably have about 10 or 12 search results. You also need to consider the timings that best suit you and their fees. It is very important to take all this into account.”

DO YOUR HOMEWORK

Like you spend hours looking at YouTube videos and reading reviews of the gadget you want to buy, spend time reading up about the counsellor you are considering to go to. “When you look up a counsellor, you will probably see their profile on LinkedIn or their work on their website. You should start with checking their background. It’s always good to do some R&D. Also, and this is very important, check the modality of therapy. What kind of therapy is it going to be? What the medium of treatment is? and so on.” 

Sherene Aftab, founder at Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, is another counsellor who advocates the same. “It is important to do your homework, because at the end of the day, you’re out there opening your soul in front of someone. It takes a lot of time to establish trust. I strongly believe that the best way is to go through someone's recommendations. Look at the resume, testimonials, their work, and what they stand for. Read the articles they’ve been featured in (if any) and you will get an understanding into their thought process. What do the negative reviews say? Consider all of that.”

AND WHY DO WE NEED TO DO THIS?

This is, after all, a new and unexplored territory for you. The more you read up about them, the closer you are to making a decision about them. Once you get this out of the way, there is little room for worry. “You’re going to a counsellor because you don’t want to be judged. That, at the end of the day, is what distinguishes counsellors from your friends and family. We come and start with a clean slate and match your steps along the way in your journey. These steps are important because counselling is all about going back and forth about what you think and feel,” says Aftab. 

YOU GET TO KNOW IF THEY ARE RIGHT OR WRONG FOR YOU

Just like there are specialty doctors, there are specialist counsellors. You might choose a particular one because they are 10 minutes away from where you are, but is your problem something that they specialise in? Dordi makes a telling statement to explain this better, “I would suggest people to have a conversation with the counsellor before making an appointment. Because as great as a counsellor might be, a lot of times they might not be good at everything. Getting the right pick that best suits your need then becomes very important rather than just picking from a good or bad counsellor. For example, someone who doesn’t specialise in anxiety will not know what the person is going through and thus not be able to help.” 

That said, the onus of informing the client about the areas they specialise in is also on the counsellor. “While we are trained to deal with all kinds of mental health issues and disorders, some counsellors prefer working on certain issues over others. As far as I’m concerned, dealing with patients experiencing immense grief—losing a spouse, or child, or a closed one—isn’t my strong suit. That’s too much for me to deal with. If someone approaches me with that issue, then I refer them to colleagues. That said, I can and do have an initial meeting with a client to understand where they are coming from and suggest what would best suit them,” says Aftab.  

IT’S ABSOLUTELY ALRIGHT IF YOUR FIRST SESSION ISN’T THE BEST

So, you’ve done the homework, and gone to the first counselling session, but after leaving from there, you realise that something just didn’t click. It is absolutely normal. Dordi gives us a nice analogy. “It’s like finding the perfect pair of shoes—you need something that doesn’t prick, is comfortable, and doesn’t restrict mobility. But sometimes it may take more than one meeting to know if its working for you. A lot of times, people stop going after the first session because things didn’t work out. I suggest, people should go with an open mind, knowing that it can be either a hit or a miss.” 

KNOWING WHAT THE RED FLAGS ARE 

There’s a lot of scope in that first meeting for things to go wrong. “A very important red flag is when, throughout the session, you feel like you have to prove something to your counsellor because they made you feel and speak that way. For instance, if you found them dismissive or being judgemental about your insecurity, then it’s not going to work,” adds Dordi.  

WHERE DO PEOPLE GO WRONG?

Like in most situations, expectation setting is very important in counselling. “A lot of people go wrong in this area. They come with huge expectations. But one needs to understand that counselling isn’t essentially only talking and being able to vent. It is also about coming up with a plan to meet your goals. If you just want to talk and hang out, you have friends for that. A bit of understanding and knowledge about what counselling is will go a long way in managing those expectations. It will also help them know if counselling is for them or not,” says Dordi. 

WHAT COUNSELLORS CAN DO TO MAKE US FEEL COMFORTABLE?

Counselling is all about you and your counsellor meeting half way. While I’ve mentioned the things that you, as a counselee, can do, counsellors reading this must also remember to put the right foot forward. “Sometimes a client doesn’t come to you for counselling. They just want to be heard. That’s something that counsellors should be able to identify. They may need a sounding board, a person to hold their hand, a mentor, a medium to get them to their path. No counsellor should ever tell their client what that path is. I show my clients the path and not tell them about it. When you tell, you are giving advice, when you show, you are merely suggesting. We must never advice, always suggest. We are a medium to take the client a step closer towards their goals—be it a behavioural change or overcoming grief or somethign else.”